This is where we tell you some bullshit about our humble beginnings. How it all began with two brothers who started out in a garage with just $12 and a dream. We’ll tell you about our mission to help save the planet by stating that we only use biodegradeable materials from local sustainable sources. Then we’ll describe the technological aspects of our products using industry jargon and fancy words you don’t understand but sound cool like “TruFlexx” and “air jet spinning”. We’ll close it by giving you “our promise” or we’ll put a stupid little stamp that reads “Quality Guaranteed”. That should persuade you to spend $30 on a t-shirt in a crippling economy when you could just go to any Korean-owned store and buy 5 for 10 bucks.
Slip into something that makes everyone around you uncomfortable.
We do not use AI to create our designs or aid us in production. But even if we did, how would you know? AI is still in its early stages but pretty soon you won’t be able to distinguish an AI image of your mother from a real photo. It may already be happening. You may be an android who just thinks they’re a real person but you’re actually a replicant with artificial memories and artificial bodily fluids.
As far as you know, we never use AI.
Our Team.
Sophie Smith, Marketing Manager
Sophie specializes in brand awareness, the planning and management of marketing strategies, and keeping up to date with trends in a rapidly evolving technological and cultural landscape. While she is in charge of maintaining the brand’s identity and disposition within a competitive industry, she struggles with her own identity.
Adjusting her personality between clientele, varying levels of management, and coworkers, she becomes a hundred different people in a day. But in her quiet moments when she is alone, staring at her face in the bathroom mirror, it is as though she is looking at a stranger. “Who am I?” She asks herself.
Kimberly Hill, Logistics Manager
Every week Kimberly scans her card at the door and walks into the office like she owns the place. She has an intimidating presence as she looks up and down her clipboard, hastily writing things down as she ignores all the regular office staff around her.
She stands in the warehouse floor in $800 heels, and like an emperor on his throne ordering a fleet of servants pulling a large chunk of granite with rope, points with her pen to direct the sweating, hunched over workers on where to place the heavy boxes they’re carrying.
Kimberly lives in an upscale apartment, has an Equinox membership, and is secretly very lonely.
Leslie Thompson, Accounting Manager
Leslie is responsible for monitoring the staffs’ drug and alcohol budget. To ensure the company adheres to daily budgeting limits, Leslie issued extensive funding which goes towards satisfying the staffs’ voracious appetite for scotch, champagne, and massive amounts of cocaine.
Leslie works closely with catering to monitor the money which is spent daily on whatever provisions the staff requires, including bottles of Macallan and Dom Perignon, chocolates imported from France, aged cheeses, steaks, whole lobsters, caviar, high-purity cocaine, and swan ice sculptures.
A bunch of punk kids who hangout outside the building, Art Department
This group of punk kids who are always found hanging out outside the building are in charge of art direction.
Before selecting a t-shirt design for production, we present the new design to these young delinquents who are usually found loitering outside smoking cigarettes and vandalizing public property. If they think the design is funny then it is approved and prepared for finalization. If they say the design is “fucking gay” then it is scrapped or reintroduced to the creative process. We pay them with a 6-pack of beer.
Katie Apel, Design Intern
The staff has taken bets on how long they think it will take until Katie’s soul is crushed by the realities of working corporate. Some predict it’ll be a month while others have given her a week until her optimistic, bright, bubbly demeanor is chipped away by tedious, unrewarding, unpaid labor and she is finally pushed to her limits and calling home to mom.
The veteran staff members watch as Katie’s wide-eyed naivety gradually dissolves into despair as she endures getting ignored by higher ups when presenting her ideas, being scolded for getting a coffee order wrong, or sitting with her feet up on her chair to avoid rats scurrying along the ground of the basement floor where her desk is assigned and predict it is only a matter of time until she is breaking down crying in the restroom.
Tim Jones, Security Guard
Tim patrols and monitors the premises and deters potential crimes and threats to maintain a safe environment. But if things get too heavy, he’s out of there. He’s not about to risk his life for $19 an hour.
On a regular day Tim is conducting safety inspections on security equipment, reporting minor incidents like a car alarm going off in the parking lot, and responding to the occasional homeless person pissing into a planter in the lobby. But the moment some lunatic walks into the building with a gun, he’s running as far away from the area as possible and never looking back. The police can handle it.
Renee Sutton, Custodian
Renee manages janitorial duties and maintains the safety and security of the building while stealing every chance she gets.
While alone in the building, long after the staff has gone home, Renee feels an intense rush of euphoria when discovering an executive forgot to lock the door to their office and the automated lights flicker on as she walks in, revealing miscellaneous items that are just asking to be taken. She grabs pens, coffee packets, snacks, water bottles, toilet paper, paper towels, Kleenex boxes, trash bags, Band-Aids, Post-It Notes, computer monitors, printer ink, and any other little treasures nobody is going to miss.
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